14/04/2025 Stream of Consciousness

It’s 11:53 PM today. Still no direction on what to write. I’m grateful for the free space I have through art and writing. And I’m lucky to have what I have. I wonder what giving back would entail for me later on. Actually, I think about it a lot. The invincible camera that follows me in my head is ever present. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It helps to explore what I really think and I’ve realised certain things due to it. On the other hand, I question if it’s just an excuse to live in my head. I don’t know that I’ve found a balance yet. In more things than this. I think about my patterns that don’t exactly serve me. I take some action but is it enough? I think about that one ‘friendship’ and I don’t know what to do about it. Nothing explosive might happen, but I know it doesn’t have to take something huge to let go of it. Yet I don’t have a course of action. I hate it when my hands are dry. Worse when it’s flaky too. I need moisture, not too much or little. What is the right amount? My lotion comes out as much as I pour, not a lot of regulation from the bottle. The regulation is from me. I want more female friends. I need to own my awkwardness. There’s so much out there and I would get it as it serves me. I would work with what I have. I don’t want to hoard, I just want a reasonable level of comfort. I don’t want to give unintentionally or without thoughtfulness. I want to donate to TIERS when next I have some money. I want cake parfait and Chickwizz like the first one I ever had. I want to hold and be held by someone I love that loves me to sleep, in a romantic way. I crave connection. I don’t want to contort myself for it. It’s 12:09 AM.